I Amsterdam.

So we went to Amsterdam! Our flight arrived at about 7:00 a.m., and we deplaned and gathered our luggage by about 8:00 a.m. Pretty straight forward stuff.

Finding our way from the airport to the hotel, however, was not so straightforward. We did our best to follow the hotel’s directions. They seemed foolproof at first, but ultimately confused us two fools to hell and back. All in, we purchased about $70 worth of train tickets. It got to the point where we literally just started buying tickets to stations with “Amsterdam” in the name. The hotel should really just save its guests the confusion and shorten its directions to “get on a train and see what fucking happens.”

We eventually made it to the hotel and proceeded to pass the fuck out. After awaking, we really began to appreciate just how bananas our room was. The toilet was literally in a glass-enclosed tube in the center of the room. If the toilet overflowed, you’d probably just drown inside the tube. Not really one of the hotel’s selling points unless, you know, you’re down to die peeing.

Anyways, let’s delve into our 36-hour stay in Amsterdam. First off, all of the attractions you guys recommended were pretty stellar. Well, except the Heineken Factory. That shit’s like paying $30 to sit through a 45-minute Heineken commercial. But we did get a beer-pouring lesson out of it, so let’s call it a wash.

Second, a lot of funny stuff happens in Amsterdam when you explore it the way it’s meant to be explored. For starters, Zach and I felt compelled to walk around the city for hours. Literally, dozens of maps in hand, pounding the pavement, occasionally spewing out phrases like “I know a shortzën cütsën” and “Deutsche wish your girlfriend was hot like me.” Basically mindlessly stomping around Amsterdam like we owned the place. (Side note: we kind of did own the place; we were accidentally tipping way too heavily earlier in the day, and the city will forever be indebted to us.)

During our walk, it felt like we navigated the entire city. (In reality, we never left a three-block radius. But what a radius it was!) On one corner, Zach stopped to buy a baguette in an Italian deli. On another, Zach starred two girls, who were adorned with massive backpacks, dead in the eye and said, “You two are literally backpacking through Europe.” And on another corner still, Zach started to play himself in tennis with a weird tether-ball game. This game would’ve been great for like, an only-child version of Serena Williams. Not really so great for Zach, though.

Oh, and on another corner, I had the great fortune of stepping in a heap of dog shit. At the time, my gut reaction was that I stepped on someone’s sock. It was not a sock.

After scrubbing down my shoes in a bunch of puddles, we hit up Starbucks. At first, we felt really comfortable there; we gave Europeans Starbucks, so it’s like a safe zone. But then some people next to us started looking around on the floor, making lots of comments, and looking irritated overall. I turned to Zach and said in as serious and as quiet of a voice as possible, “I think they know about the dog shit.” Turns out they just needed an outlet for their laptop or something. Phew!

After another series of naps, we headed back out into Amsterdam. Our first stop was a quick rendezvous through the Red Light District. In Cornell terms, this shit’s definitely the real Ho Plaza. Go big red!

Our second stop was a 2:30 a.m. grilled chicken sandwich taste-test competition between McDonald’s and Burger King. Our McDonald’s taste-test went off without a hitch. Wish we could say the same about Burger King. Burger King was closing when we got there, and the cashier said the best she could do was to serve us some chicken nuggets. Zach responded by making the biggest frown ever made on this side of the Atlantic. He literally refused to make eye contact with the cashier for the rest of the transaction. All things considered: McDonald’s wins!

A lot of other goofy things happened between the taste-test contest and our train ride to Paris the following day (think bee stings), but I don’t feel like discussing them because I’m tired.